I Went to Stonehenge to Burn Some Witches

It didn’t go as planned

Witch Hunter

We can only guess what was going on here! There is a mix of scientific, religious, astrological and spiritual theories to figure out what the purpose of these massive megalithic stones was. Some believe it was a burial ground for wealthy people. Others believe this was some kind of religious pilgrimage destination, where people would spiritually connect with their ancestors. Some claim those stones have healing power, while there is evidence that Stonehenge was operated as a calendar with stones aligned to astronomical phenomena such as solstices, equinoxes and eclipses. I have, however, come here to burn some witches.

Let me explain to you how I ended up here in Stonehenge with a rope and a bottle of gasoline.

I went on a holiday to Salisbury, a small city in southern England, some ten miles away from Stonehenge. I was walking next to the stream, looking at mother and father ducks directing three little ducklings downstream towards the town center.

“What a marvellous creature,” I thought as I was looking at father duck’s glossy green head reflecting in the water.

“The ugly duckling! Yeah, right Mr. Hans Christian Andersen. Maybe in your sick fantasy.”

The mother duck would occasionally fly and quack on people purely instinctively to protect her ducklings. As soon as she would get back to the water, there was no fear. Just pure presence. She was operating on the level of instinct and not on the level of mind.

“That is what makes ducks so free,” I thought. “And yet they can fly, swim, dive and walk around. They are as free as it gets.”

I was getting lost in their calm, forgetting about my job, about COVID and war, when the ducks led me to the city’s most famous building — Salisbury Cathedral.

Salisbury Cathedral by Karlo Tasler

I was walking around the cathedral, my thoughts were in some meta space far away from me, when I saw the door with a big sign “Chapter House & Magna Carta.”

“Hmm… Magna Carta?” I guessed. “That sounds like something I didn’t study at school when it was time.”

I entered the room, and what I saw left me shocked. There was an exhibition about anti-lockdown protests next to the original copy of Magna Carta.

Entrance to “Chapter House & Magna Carta” room by Karlo Tasler

So, Magna Carta, as I found out, is a document written in 1215 about the rights of the English people against the severe rule of King John. The document describes ideas of freedom, justice and equality and it is seen as a cornerstone in the development of democratic England.

Magna Carta

Basically, a bunch of barons weren’t happy with the way king John was abusing feudal law and custom. He was pocketing them and they rebelled! They seated him at the table and made him sign the document.

“Rebelling against the King,” said the big sign in front of the document. As I was looking at those words I couldn’t help myself but giggle. “How sexy!”

And now, next to those glorious words, there was a whole section dedicated to the anti lockdown protests organised during the pandemic. There were video footages of protests from London played on the monitor, being put in the context of freedoms guaranteed by Magna Carta. It was there for tourists, for citizens of Salisbury. What a shock! The main question of the exhibition was: “Was the pandemic a good reason to diminish human rights and freedoms or human rights are more important than public health?”

Anti-lockdown exhibition by Karlo Tasler

It got me thinking there is an entire world of balance rising in obscure places like this. The world that calls for debate. It is the world that is becoming more and more strange to the consumers of the mainstream media where there is only one narrative accepted. There is no balance in the media because there is no profit in balance. Capitalism can’t survive on balanced perspectives. Balance means peace. Contrary to that, the system is based on war, on the war mindset.

I mean… Not so long time ago, people who publicly questioned anything about that mainstream narrative were condemned as stupid, flat-earth, anti-science, witch-hunting conspiracy theorists. And now, they are being compared to those barons who are seen as fathers of democracy.

“Ok,” I told to myself as I didn’t doubt anymore.

I took a big breath!

I knew what I needed to do! If those anti-lockdown people are now saviours of democracy, and they were middle age witch hunters a couple of months ago, then there is only one right thing to do.

I need to set some witches on fire!

“Now it all makes sense. Earth is flat and witches are real,” I thought as I was trying to remember if I know some witches.

“That waitress Monica that I work with in the restaurant. I knew something was not right with that woman. Her laugh is too strange. Also, I can’t make a single cocktail when she is looking at me. I always spill. She cursed me!”

So I bought some gasoline, and a rope and finally got myself going to Stonehenge. On the bus to there I was listening to the guidebook which was listing all the theories of how Stonehenge was built.

“If you wish to honour the grave of the men with something that will last forever, send people in Ireland for big stones,” wizard Merlin said to King Arthur before he went on a journey to Ireland hundreds miles away, defeated Irish troops and with help of giants brought these astonishing stones to Salisbury where they built the temple like no other.

Wizard Merlin and giants setting up the stones (Photo in public domain)

That was a theory accepted between the 12th and 16th century.

“Giants! Yeah, right. I say witches! Not giants!”

But how could they know? Those people were primitive. It took another couple of hundreds of years for people to get sophisticated and start blaming witches and stop praising wizards!

As I walked into the site, I was observing those stones, and thinking where the ideal place could be to set the fire. I saw two stones on top of each other. They looked like a little throne where I could do my thing.

This is not how Stonehenge used to look like in its prime, though. These are just ruins of what used to be the marvellous temple with all these stones perfectly aligned next to each other. It is amazing how time changes everything. Even these 25 tones stones will eventually become one with soil. They have been here for a while, though. Now, scientists say they were built 5000 years ago by a Neolithic men. It is still a mystery how it was done considering it was built some 1500 years before the wheel was first time seen in Britain.

“I bet it was Neolithic women! Neolithic witches!”

I finally found one. That was a witch. It was obvious. She was sunbathing beyond the outer trench, some hundred meters from the stones. I lied down next to her, pretending I was sunbathing as well.

Sunbathing next to the witch

She was throwing some spells. It sounded weird.

“She must be conjuring the spirits of the dead,” I thought. “Oh, no you won’t! Not under my watch!”

I took the rope, went to the stones, and wrapped the rope around two of the big ones while making a cross in between two stones where I would tie her up. As I was making the final knot, my wrist got caught in the knot.

“What is this now?” I was confused.

The more I was trying to get my wrist out of the rope, the more entangled it became.

“Oh, come on,” I said, when I saw the witch approaching the stones.

“Hasta luego,” she said and took her earphones out.

At that point I realised she was not throwing spells, but talking in Spanish with somebody. Sounds similar.

“She might not be the witch after all,” I thought as I was losing the battle with the rope.

At that moment, I felt the smell of smoke coming from the ground beneath me.

“What the fuck?” I said, looked at the ground and saw fire catching up my t-shirt.

I looked behind me, and there she was.

“Have you just set me on fire?” I asked her as I was trying to take the wrist out of the knot in panic.

It seems that she was in the Magna Carta museum as well.

Being endangered, I was quacking instinctively, but I was free nonetheless.

Stonehenge by Karlo Tasler

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