I Have Become a Cunning Marketer
Is there such a thing as honest marketing?
I dropped my heavy backpack on the ground outside Old Trafford and saw a steward flinched. Unattended backpacks in crowded places put English stewards in a state of panic — they need to chill down a bit. I took my book ‘Beyond Cristiano’ from the backpack and started mingling with people to sell it. I put red gloves on my hands, so people thought I was a Manchester United fan. A red United shirt would probably have been a better choice, but a pair of fingerless gloves from Tesco was all I had.
“Marketing… I think there is no honest marketing,” I thought as I nodded to the steward to assure him I wouldn’t blow up the stadium. “Marketing is about tricking people into believing something about you and your product. I’ve put on these red gloves to make United fans believe I am one of them so I can sell them the book.”
Manchester United just beat Liverpool 4–3 in the FA Cup, and thousands of fans were roaming euphorically. I was standing still, showing my book to the fans and feeling like a wet dick in a cotton field, certain I wouldn’t get picked, but standing firm regardless. I didn’t have any of that game a guy who was selling scarves had. He was loud and convincing, looking as confident as if he had written a book. At the same time, I looked as insecure as someone who sells scarves for a living. Unlike him, I didn’t have a permit to sell my shit there. But the good news is, I believe that is a common land, equally mine as everybody else’s, so I was not concerned. Oh, I wish Joe was here. He would know how to sell books.
After 20 minutes of awkward smiling, I realised that my technique wasn’t providing any sales, so I decided to gear up the show. I saw a group of hooligans chanting Manchester United songs, and I approached them.
“Stretford End, yeah?” I said.
“Yeah,” one of them confirmed — they saw the match from the notorious tribune reserved for the most passionate fans.
I opened my book to the chapter ‘From Hooliganism to Equality’ and read a line: “Build a bonfire, build a bonfire. Put the Scousers on the top…”
“Put the City in the middle,” they continued enthusiastically before we finished in unison, “And burn the fucking lot.”
They thanked me but said they couldn’t read, so they were not interested in the book.
“Come here,” one of them grabbed my neck as if he was going to tell me something of great importance. “Try to put your book on Twitter.”
“Twitter?” I asked. “That is a good idea. I haven’t thought of that!”
“Well, that was bizarre,” I thought. “I have just sold my ideals for an unsuccessful sale.”
The line I read to them was taken out of context. That chapter definitely doesn’t encourage hooliganism, but I made those guys believe it was about killing Scousers. I wanted them to believe I was one of them. How bizarre. They say people are mostly interested in the author rather than the book itself. But, this is certainly not the way to make them interested. But that is how marketing works, isn’t it? No honest person is a good marketer. Unless they, perhaps, deeply believe in what they do and then it all makes sense. Because they are honest. And they don’t try to sell their book for something that is not. But why am I not doing that then? I deeply believe in the book I wrote. Why don’t I market it for what it is?
I know why! It is because I have never managed to define my target audience. The reason I didn’t figure out my audience is because the book ‘Beyond Cristiano’ is a complex bastard, showing both sides of Cristiano Ronaldo and analysing his traits from multiple perspectives. If I wrote a book that glorifies Cristiano Ronaldo, it would be easy. I would simply define my target audience as ‘Ronaldo wankers’ and present the book to them. If it was a book that dishonours Ronaldo, it would be easy as well — I would just find people who don’t like him and sell it to them. But the book ‘Beyond Cristiano’ mirrors its author’s state of mind, and the author is a complex bastard.
So, how am I supposed to sell the book in front of the stadium while being a complex bastard?
“Let’s give it a try,” I told myself and went to Bishop Blaize, a pub near the stadium.
The pub was packed. It was probably the best victory for Manchester United in years. Finally, they managed to give Liverpool some real blow.
“It’s not a good time of the year,” a guy told me when I explained to him what the book really was about. “That is some deep shit and we are here to have some pints. See you later, pal.”
“It’s not a good time of the year,” I repeated. “What an interesting saying!”
I tried my luck with a few more people but with no real success. Ok, I said this wrong. Of course, it was a success. I met a man, learnt a new saying, and lived a new experience. Life is as successful as you allow it to be. But, what I wanted to say — the sale didn’t happen. I still had seven books in my backpack, the same number I had a few hours ago when I left my house.
And just as I thought to put that book I was holding in my hands back to the backpack and live freely in truth with Manchester United fans, I saw a guy in a Ronaldo shirt.
“Alright, one more try,” I thought and approached the guy.
“Hey, bro,” I said. “You like Cristiano?”
“Yes!” he answered readily. “He is my hero!”
“Look,” I said and put the book on the table. “This is the book I wrote.”
“You wrote a book about my hero Cristiano Ronaldo?”
“Yes, I mean…”
How could have I explained to that guy now that the book was not only about Cristiano Ronaldo, but also about Ronaldinho who, like Ronaldo, also reached unbelievable heights but with a very different understanding of winning, the game and the world, and the reason Ronaldo was in the title of the book was that I lived in Manchester and Ronaldo was a ticket to reach people, and so it was in a way also about marketing.
“The book is a complex bastard,” I said. “If you are a Ronaldo wanker, there might be a possibility some things written in the book might disturb you. But look, I can promise you that like you I have been following Ronaldo for 20 years and I did my best to show both of his sides, his yin and yang, his unbelievable determination, and the price he is paying for it.”
“So, you just admire Ronaldo as much as I do?” the guy asked me.
At that point I realised, Ronaldo fan will wank on Ronaldo, regardless. He bought the book and made his friend, also a Ronaldo fan, buy it, too.
Cheers guys!
If you want to buy the book, here is the link:
